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The zopiclone appear not to be the same stregnth as the ones i've had in the past, and are next to useless.

infact i was still awake at five this morning after having had two zopiclone and three temazipam - not through fighting it, just led in bed watching a DVD. This led to me being very unimpressed.

just had another conversation i didn't want to have regarding my immediate maternal family.. ho hum, oh well, tis all fun n games i guess.

Comments

( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
soarer123
Dec. 15th, 2003 01:27 am (UTC)
Useful Suggestion Number 23
Get a job. A proper job. 9-5 or similar. You have no structure in your life so you have plenty of time to feel sorry for yourself and fill your world with self pity. You have too much time to dwell on the shit existence you have dragged through with no light at the end of the tunnel. A job would be good for you and not for monetry reasons.
To give you a reason to go to bed. A reason to get up ( even though you, like the majority dont want to). Some self pride on a job well done. A feeling you are contributing to society instead of scrounging and living off the earnings of others. Meet normal people and be treated normally instead of being fisted dry and wearing a collar, taking drugs and boozing your way to a premature death. Stop habitating internet cafes and logging on to this site which has more than its fair share of 'the Raggy Dolls' of the world. You dont need to know about other peoples problems and failings.You need positive vibes. You need to concentrate on YOU. In a contructive way- not a self pitying, negative way.
Nothing to difficult to start- Asdawl perhaps? Money will help too!
goddesssnoweh
Dec. 15th, 2003 08:44 am (UTC)
Thankyou for showing some concern for once instead of just hurling abuse Dave, but these things happening and all the shit i've been dragged through has to be worked out in my head. My GP had suggested I go to the hub in the centre and ask about supported housing, where i will have a key worker (like a social worker for adults i guess) i've come to realise i've been ill for a very long time and need to get this worked through.
My head isn't a nice place to be at the momment and all i want is for a break from all the pain for just ten minutes.

Thankyou again for your concern, i have taken on board what you have said, and i do intend to sort myself out. My kids are the only reason i'm still here, and i would like to get a job so i can take them out more, and be able to buy more for them. I've found myself spending my last bit of cash on little presents for them on more than one occation. there is intention there, i just need to go about things the proper way to get myself sorted out for good.
soarer123
Dec. 15th, 2003 08:56 am (UTC)
Just treat your life like a crap holiday destination. Tunisia for example. You have been somewhere shit now its time to go somewhere nice. StTropez for example. Its up to you to get the tickets!
Dont want to go too far down the weirdo path like this fella-Bill McHenry is a 26-year old white male with a stocky build and a beard. His head is shaved. He responded to my ad to be interviewed for this article wearing only leather pants, leather boots and a leather vest. I could see that both of his nipples were pierced with large-gauge silver rings.

Questioner: I hope you won't be offended if I ask you to prove to me that you're a nullo. Just so that our readers will know that this isn't a fake.

Bill: Sure, no problem. (stands and unbuckles pants and drops them to his ankles, revealing a smooth, shaven crotch with only a thin scar to show where his genitals once were).

Q: Thank you. That's a remarkable sight.

(laughs and pulls pants back up). Most people think so.

Q: What made you decide to become a nullo?

(pauses). Well, it really wasn't entirely my decision.

Q: Excuse me?

The idea wasn't mine. It was my lover's idea.

Q: Please explain what you mean.

Okay, it's a long story. You have to understand my relationship with Michael before you'll know what happened.

Q: We have plenty of time. Please go on.

Both of us were into the leather lifestyle when we met through a personal ad. Michael's ad was very specific: he was looking for someone to completely dominate and modify to his pleasure. In other word, a slave.

The ad intrigued me. I had been in a number of B&D scenes and also some S&M, but I found them unsatisfying because they were all temporary. After the fun was over, everybody went on with life as usual.

I was looking for a complete life change. I wanted to meet someone who would be part of my life forever. Someone who would control me and change me at his whim.

Q: In other words, you're a true masochist.

Oh yes, no doubt about that. I've always been totally passive in my sexual relationships.

Anyway, we met and there was instant chemistry. Michael is a few years older than me and very good looking. Our personalities meshed totally. He's very dominant.

I went back to his place after drinks and had the best sex of my life. That's when I knew I was going to be with Michael for a long, long time.

Q: What sort of things did you two do?

It was very heavy right away. He restrained me and whipped me for quite awhile. He put clamps on my nipples and a ball gag in my mouth. And he hung a ball bag on my sack with some very heavy weights. That bag really bounced around when Michael fucked me from behind.

Q: Ouch.


soarer123
Dec. 15th, 2003 08:57 am (UTC)
laughs) Yeah, no kidding. At first I didn't think I could take the pain, but Michael worked me through it and after awhile I was flying. I was sorry when it was over.

Michael enjoyed it as much as I did. Afterwards he talked about what kind of a commitment I'd have to make if I wanted to stay with him.

Q: What did he say exactly?

Well, besides agreeing to be his slave in every way, I'd have to be ready to be modified. To have my body modified.

Q: Did he explain what he meant by that?

Not specifically, but I got the general idea. I guessed that something like castration might be part of it.

Q: How did that make you feel?

(laughs) I think it would make any guy a little hesitant.

Q: But it didn't stop you from agreeing to Michael's terms?

No it didn't. I was totally hooked on this man. I knew that I was willing to pay any price to be with him.

Anyway, a few days later I moved in with Michael. He gave me the rules right away: I'd have to be naked at all times while we were indoors, except for a leather dog collar that I could never take off. I had to keep my head shaved. And I had to wear a butt plug except when I needed to take a shit or when we were having sex.

I had to sleep on the floor next to his bed. I ate all my food on the floor, too.

The next day he took me to a piercing parlor where he had my nipples done, and a Prince Albert put into the head of my cock.

Q: Heavy stuff.

Yeah, and it got heavier. He used me as a toilet, pissing in my mouth. I had to lick his asshole clean after he took a shit, too. It was all part of a process to break down any sense of individuality I had. After awhile, I wouldn't hesitate to do anything he asked.

Q: Did the sex get rougher?

Oh God, yeah. He started fisting me every time we had sex. But he really started concentrating on my cock and balls, working them over for hours at a time.

He put pins into the head of my cock and into my sack. He attached clothespins up and down my cock and around my sack. The pain was pretty bad. He had to gag me to keep me from screaming.

Q: When did the idea of nullification come up?

Well, it wasn't nullification at first. He started talking about how I needed to make a greater commitment to him, to do something to show that I was dedicated to him for life.

When I asked him what he meant, he said that he wanted to take my balls.

Q: How did you respond?

Not very well at first. I told him that I liked being a man and didn't want to become a eunuch. But he kept at me, and wore me down. He reminded me that I agreed to be modified according to his wishes, and this is what he wanted for me. Anything less would show that I wasn't really committed to the relationship. And besides, I was a total bottom and didn't really need my balls.
soarer123
Dec. 15th, 2003 09:00 am (UTC)
It took about a week before I agreed to be castrated. But I wasn't happy about it, believe me.

Q: How did he castrate you?

Michael had a friend who was into the eunuch scene. One night he came over with his bag of toys, and Michael told me that this was it. I was gonna lose my nuts then and there.

Q: Did you think of resisting?

I did for a minute, but deep down I knew there was no way. I just didn't want to lose Michael. I'd rather lose my balls.

Michael's friend restrained me on the living room floor while Michael videotaped us. He used an elastrator to put a band around my sack.

Q: That must have really hurt.

Hell yeah. It's liked getting kicked in the balls over and over again. I screamed for him to cut the band off, but he just kept on going, putting more bands on me. I had four bands around my sack when he finished.

I was rolling around on the floor screaming, while Michael just videotaped me. Eventually, my sack got numb and the pain subsided. I looked between my legs and could see my sack was a dark purple. I knew my balls were dying inside.

Michael and his friend left the room and turned out the light. I lay there for hours, crying because I was turning into a eunuch and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

Q: What happened then?

Eventually I fell asleep from exhaustion. Then the light switched on and I could see Michael's friend kneeling between my legs, touching my sack. I heard him tell Michael that my balls were dead.

Q: How did Michael react?

Very pleased. He bent down and felt around my sack. He said that it felt cold.

Michael's friend told me that I needed to keep the bands on. He said that eventually my balls and sack would dry up and fall off. I just nodded. What else could I do at that point?

Q: Did it happen just like Michael's friend said?

Yeah, a week or so later my package just fell off. Michael put it in a jar of alcohol to preserve it. It's on the table next to his bed.

Q: How did things go after that?

Michael was really loving to me. He kept saying how proud he was of me, how grateful that I had made the commitment to him. He even let me sleep in his bed.

Q: What about the sex?

We waited awhile after my castration, and then took it easy until I was completely healed. At first I was able to get hard, but as the weeks went by my erections began to disappear.

That pleased Michael. He liked fucking me and feeling my limp cock. It made his dominance over me even greater.

Q: When did he start talking about making you a nullo?

A couple of months after he took my nuts. Our sex had gotten to be just as rough as before the castration. He really got off on torturing my cock. Then he started saying stuff like, "Why do you even need this anymore?"

That freaked me out. I always thought that he might someday take my balls, but I never imagined that he'd go all the way. I told him that I wanted to keep my dick.

Q: How did he react to that?

At first he didn't say much. But he kept pushing. Michael said I would look so nice being smooth between my legs. He said my dick was small and never got hard anymore, so what was the point of having it.

But I still resisted. I wanted to keep my cock. I felt like I wouldn't be a man anymore without it.

soarer123
Dec. 15th, 2003 09:04 am (UTC)
Q: How did he react to that?

At first he didn't say much. But he kept pushing. Michael said I would look so nice being smooth between my legs. He said my dick was small and never got hard anymore, so what was the point of having it.

But I still resisted. I wanted to keep my cock. I felt like I wouldn't be a man anymore without it.

Q: So how did he get you to agree?

He didn't. He took it against my will.

Q: How did that happen?

We were having sex in the basement, and I was tied up and bent over this wooden bench as he fucked me. Then I heard the doorbell ring. Michael answered it, and he brought this guy into the room.

At first I couldn't see anything because of the way I was tied. But then I felt these hands lift me up and put me on my back. And I could see it was Michael's friend, the guy who took my nuts.

Q: How did you react?

I started screaming and crying, but the guy just gagged me. The two of them dragged me to the other side of the room where they tied me spread eagled on the floor.

Michael's friend snaked a catheter up my dick, and gave me a shot to numb my crotch. I was grateful for that, at least. I remember how bad it hurt to lose my balls.

Q: What was Michael doing at this time?

He was kneeling next to me talking quietly. He said I'd be happy that they were doing this. That it would make our relationship better. That kind of calmed me down. I thought, "Well, maybe it won't be so bad."

Q: How long did the penectomy take?

It took awhile. Some of the penis is inside the body, so he had to dig inside to get all of it. There was a lot of stitching up and stuff. He put my cock in the same jar with my balls. You can even see the Prince Albert sticking out of the head.

Then they made me a new pisshole. It's between my asshole and where my sack used to be. So now I have to squat to piss.

Q: What has life been like since you were nullified?

After I got over the surgery and my anger, things got better. When I healed up, I began to like my smooth look. Michael brought friends over and they all admired it, saying how pretty I looked. It made me feel good that Michael was proud of me.

soarer123
Dec. 15th, 2003 09:05 am (UTC)
Q: Do you have any sexual feeling anymore?

Yes, my prostate still responds when Michael fucks me or uses the buttplug. And my nipples are quite sensitive. If Michael plays with them while fucking me, I have a kind of orgasm. It's hard to describe, but it's definitely an orgasm.

Sometimes Michael says he's gonna have my prostate and nipples removed, but he's just kidding around. He's happy with what he's done to me.

Q: So are you glad Michael had you nullified?

Well, I wouldn't say I'm glad. If I could, I'd like to have my cock and balls back. But I know that I'm a nullo forever. So I'm making the best of it.

Michael and I are very happy. I know that he'll take care of me and we'll be together always. I guess losing my manhood was worth it to make that happen for us.

QUESTION IS THOUGH- Who was the more fucked up?

goddesssnoweh
Dec. 15th, 2003 09:15 am (UTC)
that's simple

Michael.

This guy was pushed into everything he's done.

if you are good at working on people's minds you can break someone down in a very short space of time
soarer123
Dec. 15th, 2003 09:28 am (UTC)
MMM. Not to extent you lose your genitalia!?I disagree.Bill is. Michael is a cunt who deserves to be burnt alive, slowly, for taking advantage of a fellow human being who is more mentally fucked up than even he is.

goddesssnoweh
Dec. 15th, 2003 10:05 am (UTC)
if you have taught yourself how to manipulate someone on a subconcious level, (which you would need to be pretty fucked up to do anyway, maybe he worked in mental health and was trained to do so?) you can make anyone do ANYTHING with the right amount of conditioning, and the guy didn't really agree to have his dick removed, it was done when he was in the middle of playing and tied down.

he is obviously a very broken man.
Michael is ovbiously very sick in the head to want to do this to another human being.
soarer123
Dec. 16th, 2003 12:35 am (UTC)
In a situation where you could technically walk out the door, as opposed to being in solitary confinment, held prisoner against your will etc you would have to be pretty fucked up in the first place to be able to be conditioned and let someone do whatever they want to you.
Michael is fucked up but he still has things of importance. He has control (albeit bastardized version) which everyone should have. He has power which most people want. Most importantly he has his bollocks.
Bill is definitely the most fucked up.
goddesssnoweh
Dec. 16th, 2003 03:54 am (UTC)
OK. that said, what does this have to do with the price of fish anyway?
goddesssnoweh
Feb. 19th, 2009 02:38 am (UTC)
I don't know if you will get this, but re reading it i see now what it has to do with everything.

It's been a long journey, and i've a feeling it's not over. (hope not anyway lol)

my latest Update. 6 years - long time.

I'm glad of this conversation, glad it was here to look back on. Thankyou :)
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )

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