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A Year ...

Well it's been a year. A year since i lost my family and probably the most stable situation i've ever been in, and am likely to have again. I don't have big regrets. Me and Scoff had simply grown apart, the fire had long died for me and we were arguing all the time. Six / Seven years is a big chunk out of my life tho. and if i said i never missed Scoff I'd be blatently lying. we had some really good times. There were really bad times as well, but there was quite a significant period where the good times outmatched the bad.Towards the end everything just seemed black and hopeless. Scoff was trying to hold on to me when i'd discovered that yes i did have friends, no Scoff wasn't a parent and I was a fully grown adult able to go out whenever she wanted without having to seek permission, as long as there was someone there to look after the kids & i made sure I didn't leave them when they needed me to be there for comforting / cuddles / kisses. I was never really very good with them, Im not much of a kids person really. I can't stress enough how much i love them. They are my everything, my pride and joy. I was just never any good at the practical side of mothering. I was always there whenever one of them wanted some love. I never denied them that. Some people say i'm a bad mother and they should have been at the stage of development they are now two years ago. Well I'm not going to argue that one, I just feel bad that my best wasn't good enough for my children. That is why Scoff has them. Another reason is i have come to understand, possibly as a result of genetic defect, that i am quite mentally unstable. I know for a fact that I wouldn't want someone who was unstable looking after my children. This is why i didn't fight for them.

A year... alot has happened, I now have two new ex boyfriends and an ex girlfriend. I'm now with a person I love very much, and have been with him since september. we found out that Andrew and I have a rare and potentially serious chromosome disorder, which means Andrew can be formally registered as disabled, the implications this throws over my life are quite large, without mentioning the 50% chance any children of mine or Andrews have in inheriting the disorder. Finding out at twenty three years old that you are geneticly retarded is quite difficult as the best of times, when i found out was at the appointment with the geneticist which was going to tell us exactly what is missing from the chromosome that is damaged and what this could mean for Andrew.

I feel in the past year i have found more out about myself and learned who 'Sam' actually is than in the previous 23 years put together. This i feel has had a positive impact on my personality and outlook on life. I still have massive insecurities to get over, but they are getting smaller now & the paranoia that i'm going to lose everything is fading rapidly. These are two Very Good Things™ If this personal development and emotional 'growing up' continue i feel my mental age will match my actuall age quite quite soon. this is a Good Thing™

Saying that there are alot of things that i've had to put up with, my way of dealing with major traumas to my life seems to be by regressing mentally. Maybe i should force a stop to this. Or maybe i should live my 'teenage years' as i never got to when i was a teenager, my life was full of upset, confusion, being pushed about from one family to the next and general badness then, and it seems mentally something is always trying to push me in that direction. Maybe that's a result of being so unstable. Or maybe it's why i'm so unstable. Not many people have perfect childhoods / teenage years. I'm left feeling like i missed out on all of that tho. What i do know is i really don't like being this fucked up. It ruined a marriage for me and broke up a family. for that i can never forgive myself.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
azekeil
Jun. 23rd, 2002 01:31 pm (UTC)
Heh - seems to be a reflective time for a lot of people at the moment. I'm glad you feel more together. I hope it does all come together a bit more easily for you now :)
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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