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Major Journal Update


Over the past few weeks times for me have changed quite dramaticly.

First, a bit of history...

My last birthday saw me working hard to keep a relationship that i could see was fraying around the edges together. I had been on the door of Illusions Massage for a few weeks by then, even though i was only doing reception, paperwork and housekeeping i still couldn't stand the job from the moral aspect. As a birthday present to myself, in keeping with the peircing i'd got the year previously, i got my first tattoo. Jumping straight in at the deep end it was central on the back of my neck, right at the top of my spine and consisted of a small celtic heart with the letters E Z E across the middle. Just a small token of my affection for the man i thought loved me just as much. This wasn't just a selfless act of love, i was hoping that by making some dramatic guesture showing my love he would pay more attention to the relationship. Which he did, for about a week. I guess i was silly to assume that getting his name permanantly etched onto my skin would make him change the way he'd been for the previous 13 months of the relationship.
During this period of my life i spent 80% of my time in that warm fluffy place where everything is Niice that can only be reached by riding the white powdered lines of the cocaine trail. This helped with working where i was and also helped me overlook the fact that if i wasn't being ignored by the man i cut my skin for, i was being shouted at for something that invairiably wasn't actually my fault.

Shortly after my birthday i decided that i couldn't handle working where i was anymore and quit. Unfortunately, this was after sex had already lost any magic, working in that sort of enviroment you have no chioce in the matter. sex is sex, and can be bought like anything else. it was also after cocaine became a problem. - That's another story though.

Christmas saw me still having major coke cravings, but instead of talking about it whenever it was mentioned i got shouted down. So i stopped trying to talk about it and tried to deal with it on my own.
Christmas also saw me clinging to a love i'd begun to doubt the existance of. I was finding it very hard to get a dayjob on account of no history, referances or qualifications. I helped out at the LAN alot, for nothing other than a thankyou and to return home and be shouted at for being a lazy bitch once more. my self esteem was rock bottom, and managed to hit molten lava when, on the train on the way back from spending the holiday with his parents, he said to me that i'd totally ruined his christmas by coming with him.

i still asked if he loved me.. he still said that he did and not to be so silly. I didn't believe him in the slightest.

things carried on as normal. normal being every waking minute he would spend on his PC playing games. the whole relationship i spent 90% of my time with him being ignored while he played on the PC or being told to fuck off and leave him alone. I still asked if he loved me, and he still maintained he did. I asked if he wanted to be with me, and he said of course he did.

around mid january i gave up battling the cravings for cocaine and started again. funded by a mixure of running errands and later on blatently stolen cash. my self esteem was so low it had passed rock bottom and was still nestling in with the molten stuff. at first i was taking enough to give me a normal amount of confidance and self esteem, so i could walk out of the door with my head up (as well as mildly dilated pupils and a slight smirk on my face) i did a few deals and made a few good friends and the quality shot up, i was now taking enough to make me feel like a 'Divine Fucking Entity™' for not alot above what i was paying before. Now i skipped out of the door with a HUGE smile on my face and pupils the size of Manhatten. And i loved EVERYBODY. the world loved me. It was Fucking Great. right up until i was caught red handed stealing from him. he said at the time he knew exactly what had been going on for a while and was waiting untill i slipped up. Later he said that this was a bluff to get me to tell the truth. I've always found, when faced with a story, than a change of story like this the first one is, in 99.9% of cases, the ACTUAL truth.

over the next month he made me feel like shit for what i'd done to him, he didn't give me time to pick myself up and think about things between esteem beatings. then he made the mistake of not dishing one out for a while, i couldn't phone him because i'd ran out of credit phoning him up to have my confidance bashed some more, he didn't phone me, and as a result, i had a breather.

I started actually talking to people in the club, not as if i was single, but window shopping. (I still held the firm belief i'd be able to patch things up, fuelled by him stringing me along with the hope that there may be a future)

The night i met Taz was the night i was told by my father that i was 12 hours away from being aborted, if it wasn't for his grovelling, begging and pleading with my mother not to go to the appointment the next morning i wouldn't be here. My Dad showed me exactly how much he really did love me that evening, and exactly how proud to have me he was. That touched me SO deep inside. it was like a slap accross the face, i woke up and thought 'just what the fuck am i doing?' i finally thought, Fuck It. I pulled out all the stops and hit the club like a whirlwind. I was Hunting with a bloodlust fueled by cocaine, ecstasy and the knowladge that comes with seeing, for the first time, true pride. Lock up your sons, and daughters. I'm coming through.

Every fibre of my being that night was screaming with adrenaline. i was strutting around like i owned the fucking place, and that night, i did. described as the Queen Of Castro's i was THE Divine Fucking Entity™ once more. I was even heard to scream from the DJ box - LET'S FUCKIN AVE IT on more than one occation. a far cry from the beaten little wallflower i was three months previously. This single night changed my life permanantly.

I took Taz home, showering him in just about every mixed signal going. it's a wonder he didn't run a mile right then. When we got back to my place we slept. that was it. when we'd slept, we woke up and talked. for hours. we went back to the club that night, this time it was me who got the mixed signals, i was under the impression he didn't want it to seem like we were together there, so i left him alone. It turned out he was feeling ignored and wondering where i was all night. Oops.
We went back to my place again that night, only then did we fuck. I think that was a good sign right from the start really.

He said he wasn't happy with the amount of cocaine i was doing and the method i was doing it in. So i stopped. and have remained stopped.

Taz and i started out as sex, increasingly twisted fucked up sex, but just sex nonetheless, and agreed to just remain casual, but we both increasingly got attatched, getting worried about the other, concerened about feelings and such. After a couple of weeks the boyfriend and girlfriend words kept getting said by accident in conversation, not long after that we resigned ourselves to the fact we did have feelings for eachother and we officially became an item.

The amount of attention, care and tenderness Taz has shown me made me realise how much Andy neglected both the relationship and me. I found out that Taz was one of the first admins of Clan-UK and remembers speaking to Andy in chat rooms. Taz's impression then of Andy from that alone was that he is 'an arrogant opinionated fuckwit who is the sort of person that beats his girlfriends'

Taz is everything a guy with a girl he loves by his side should be, and seeing this, i'm beginning to doubt if Andy actually loved me atall. The first random compliment Taz paid me i almost burst into tears. I'm re-learning what affection is. re-learning that not only should i not be afraid of asking for cuddles, i shouldn't have to ASK for cuddles in the first place. After Andy i feel as though i have been badly beaten.There are worse things that being physically hit, and that heal a hell of alot slower. Taz already said he hopes he doesn't meet Andy as he doesn't know if he will be able to control himself, this reaction is new to me, Taz is very protective, and very very loving. He's also VERY proud to have me as his girlfriend

Currently i'm still doing work for Castro's. The promoter thing is about to step up a gear with the introduction of 'UNLEASHED! Dark' and 'UNLEASHED! Light' UNLEASHED happens on all but one friday in the month now, and the aim is that on the first friday there will be an UNLEASHED! Dark, for those who like it Dirty - which will be a night of the dirtiest filthiest hardest hardhouse possable, for SERIOUS hardcore clubbers only with filthy, FILTHY trance on the top floor, the other nights are to be UNLEASHED! Light, for those who like it Clean - which will be a night of bouncy hardhouse on the main floor and really hard dance progressing to commercial hard trance on the top floor. It's going to be Fucking Elite. and why is it going to be Fucking Elite? because I'm doing it. Nuff said.

I've found a hobby in castros, Glass collecting - where you have all the benefits of working, plus all the benefits of being out clubbing rolled into one. It's great!

I remain the IT department and head of Internet Services, of course.

Not long ago i heard about the 'Brunel Training Group' Who offer traineeships - basically modern apprenticeships and have applied for one, it's only got as far as me sending the application form back, which at this stage is just a checkbox asking if u want to do engineering, admin, accounting or ICT. I filled it in and posted it back as soon as i got it yesterday morning. From what little it says in the leaflet it looks likethey offer allsorts under the ICT catagory, from 'This is a power button, This is a Keyboard' to desktop support, hardware maintanance right through to networking. I'm not going to make up my mind untill i see a full list of what they offer, but i quite fancy doing networking, as that's an area i could very well do with learning a bit more in. they give you a list of employment posts to pick from and as well as finding you the job you go to college on day release, there are qualifications at the end of it, the company you work for pay Brunel Training, and Brunel Training pay you, from what i can work out, like agency work i guess. and there's always the possability that the company you are working for like you and u get promoted i would assume.

I have my navel pierced! it's a bit wonky tho, so what i'm going to do is get a little tat across the top of it saying 'Twisted' I have been thinking about getting another tattoo, would be quite fun if i can get one that glows under UV light. I know what i'm going to get, and where it's going. It's going to be a Tidy Trax logo and it's going in the small of my back - somewhere easy to show off when i'm clubbing. I admit, it's a bit of a silly thing to get tattooed, but then again i can't go much further wrong than i already did. PillHead tattooed somewhere in UVonly ink would be fucking elite, but i don't think you can get UV only tattoo ink, and if you could, Ozzy would probably have to order it in, which would mean it cost more. (/me makes mental note to have a look about for UV only Tat ink)

I've dyed my hair again. it's now a nice BRIGHT red, even the ends are starting to dye now, which is a good thing, it looks great, i've still not had it cut, and i don't feel so strongly about getting it all cut off either. I might have a Short bob for the summer - don't know yet.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
teadaemon
May. 16th, 2003 01:29 pm (UTC)
If you're contemplating a career in IT:
Choose no life. Choose to sysadmin. Choose no career.         *****
Choose no family. Choose a fucking big computer, choose hard  *   *
disks the size of washing machines, old cars, CD ROM writers  * A *
and electrical coffee makers. Choose no sleep, high caffeine  * D *
and mental insurance. Choose fixed interest car loans. Choose * M *
a rented shoebox. Choose no friends. Choose black jeans and   * I *
matching combat boots. Choose a swivel chair for your office  * N *
in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose SMTP and wondering why  * S *
the fuck you're logged on on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting * P *
in that chair looking at mind-numbing, spirit-crushing web    * O *
sites, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose     * T *
rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last on some  * T *
miserable newsgroup, nothing more than an embarrassment to    * I *
the selfish, fucked up lusers Gates spawned to replace the    * N *
computer-literate.                                            * G *
Choose your future.                                           *   *
Choose to sysadmin.                                           *****

Blatantly lifted from adminspotting.org

bex_sgs
May. 17th, 2003 05:52 am (UTC)
What a read. Reassuring to hear from you in a long post, i'm glad you're getting yourself all sorted out again. Taz sounds like a good match!
scoff
May. 19th, 2003 08:12 am (UTC)
I hope you and Taz are happy (But then I said that about andy too). He certainly seems like a nice bloke for the most part :-)
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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