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An ode to Mother.......

12½ years ago you made a choice that ripped me apart.

12 years ago you did it again with a phone call telling me that because of that stupid choice my baby brother had been placed in danger.

1 week ago my baby sister said something to me that left my soul in tatters.

1 week ago she also found out for the first time why I was shipped back into foster care after a week of 'being back home for good'.

Up until then she stuck up for you. She accused me of being a twisted little bitch for being so nasty to you.

You have NO IDEA what you have done to us. And I doubt you will ever even try to realize. Your mind is too closed.

Now she knows why I hate you so much.

12 years of false smiles and pretences. Listening to you moan about some petty thing or other, and the crocodile tears or bans from the house when things didn't go quite your way. All those things that you did to fuck my head up in the interim and I still came back for more.

No wonder I'm so fucked up.

I hate you more than you will ever comprehend for the choice you made that day and it's subsequent repercussions.

You wonder why I feel so bad about you? Well there it is. In my own words. Permanently written in black and white. If I had the money I’d etch it into stone and drop it on your doorstep.

To my dying day I Will Never Forgive You. You chose the word of a fucking pedophile over your own 13-year-old daughter.

The only reason you see my children is because Chris thinks it does them good to see their nanny. If the decision was solely mine they wouldn't even be at your funeral.

Remember Nigel? He abused my best friend, her best friend, his own five-year-old daughter and me. I was asked to stand up in court. I came to you for support and all you could say was to forget it and move on. You also told me that if I stood up in court against him I wouldn't be welcome in your house anymore.

I watched Steve beat you fearing one day it would happen to me, and one day it did. In fact it happened a few times. I was SEVEN. I begged you to leave him but you wouldn't.

My first memory? I'd like to say it was something nice.. My earliest memory was being kicked by Mike because I failed to call him Dad.

There are more things, littler things, when I turned to you needing my mummy and all you could do was fuck my head up even more.

And like that stupid fucking rubber ball I always came bouncing back for more, despite EVERYONE telling me to forget about you, I didn't need you in my life and I had plenty of other people to turn to.

I hurt more than you will ever begin to imagine.

I Hate You.
I Hate What You Did.
I Hate The Fact That You Are Still My Mother
All I wanted to do sometimes was hold you. Share my pain, and have you help me through it. But you are too much of a STUPID BITCH to do that.

Not that it's any of your fucking business, yes; I'm a cocaine addict. Also I'm an alcoholic, and have been since I was 13½. I have no intention of doing anything about the alcoholism. I've had no cocaine now since the Friday before last. I'm on the verge of real coke withdrawal, lets hope it doesn't trigger a nervous breakdown eh?

Phillip Baily had better hope to God he never sees me in the street.

And as for you, Mother. Fuck You. I don't give a shit anymore.

But if I find out you have in ANY way placed Andrew, Daniel, Richard or Sarah in danger again you had better hope to God you can run faster than I can.


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 2nd, 2003 10:24 am (UTC)
Um. All i think i can say is that i've read your post. I dont think anything i can say will make you feel better. I'm sorry.xx
Dec. 2nd, 2003 10:55 am (UTC)
Um.. what Bexie said. *hug*
Dec. 2nd, 2003 03:01 pm (UTC)
Sorry our chat earlier was cut a bit short.

At least you now have realised how you feel, and you can move on with your life in a way that you see fit. Be strong and don't look back.

(Deleted comment)
Dec. 3rd, 2003 07:36 am (UTC)
Good luck, hun.

Dec. 7th, 2003 01:31 pm (UTC)
Eight months ago I met Snoweh, and it took her six weeks to even get me to realise she was trying to get my attention. A few weeks spent in each others company, just chilling and enjoying some no-strings friend time and stuff slowly evolved into the most intense feelings of love and companionship that I have ever felt.

I just wanted to say that I really, really wish I could take this pain away from her, for even just ten minutes so that she could have a small amount of peace of mind, and believe me, I KNOW how important that is. I'm not going into details on this one, but trust me, I know what it is to have a brain that just won't stop replaying events over and over and over and over.

Sweetie, I am here for you, now and forever, no matter the price to our relationship.

Let me bear your pain.

I love you.
Mar. 3rd, 2004 05:30 pm (UTC)
i have known her for a very long time but to see this ode brings back all those fears i thought she had got away from. just remember who and where your friends are as they are always looking out for you
Jun. 3rd, 2007 08:45 am (UTC)
Hugs x
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )