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it's my mother's birthday soon.. it sounds strange in my head as i type it. i've distanced myself from her quite deliberately. I thought i could have a relationship with her because i wanted to, cut myself off emotionally and visit once in a while so i don't forget how to use the word mum. but i've found i can't do that, i can't cut myself off enough emotionally. last time we had a phone conversation she started telling me that i don't need antidepressants to be happy, this is a woman who barely knows me anymore. She's no doctor - she doesn't take the time to even find out what my emotional state is. just a catagorical 'you should stop taking them'.  Everytime i visit now she tries to tell me to delete the 'Ode To Mother' post. Trying [desperately] to convince me that my memories are warped and none of it is true.. well fuck that.

Still no word from my Dad. This makes me really sad.. apparently he begged my mother not to get me aborted (it took him 12 hours of begging and pleading)...... apparently so he had a small human to torture when he felt like it. why bother?

My birthday is coming up.. Dad will probably have a niggling thought that it's an important day and pass it off as prolly an ex's birthday again. i don't really give a stuff what my mother does. i'm beyond caring for someone who doesn't want to take any sort of responsibility for the shit i've been through.

i also think i may have just had a mild brush with my old friend tonsilitis.. which will be a fucker as i had my tonsils removed 5 years ago. Still - explains why i don't heal very fast.. my system was busy growing some new tonsils to torture me with. WooTz.

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September 2016
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