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Nov. 22nd, 2006

I woke up with a great feeling of sadness today.. I’ve been dreaming a lot recently. The past two months or so.. it started with standard anxiety nightmares and progressed to more personal things.. Things etched into the very fibre of my being from the past and from the present. Abuses, neglect and pain already long gone mixed in with fears from now. Constant reminders that I’m getting older, putting on weight I don’t know if I can ever get rid of. Drugs that are so far from being in my system now but still plague my subconscious.

The past week I’ve been on a grand tour of my subconscious desires and fears. Revisiting times past that I will never return to, reminding me of how I used to be – how I could cope with anything life threw at me. Now I’m living high up in my castle in the sky and I feel like I’m turning to glass.

My real world isn’t something I need to constantly be trying to escape anymore and I’m not coping with such a dramatic change very well.

Thoughts of cocaine are normally never far away, but they are closer now, it’s like the being of my addiction is now towering over me, whereas it was once just sat quietly watching from the corner.

I dreamt about my dad last night… I can’t cut myself off emotionally anymore and it hurts. I miss him so much. I miss the memory of how it used to be with him.

I’m sorry Dad.. I miss you.. Please come back.

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