June 3rd, 2003



I think i've finally found myself. It took 25 years, a failed marriage, alot of blood, sweat, tears and heartbreak not to mention love that will never die, and the pain accompanying that.

What am i talking about?
I'm talking about Taz. I found someone who listens to what i want and takes it seriously, no underhanded comments, no pushing the boundries for kicks.

i think the scene of me walking up to the library today would say it all really.

a girl with lots and lots of obviously dyed red hair in a full legnth leather coat, jeans and trainers walking down the road, head held high with a black vest top with the word DEVIANT accross the front in red and a staffy collar adjusted to fit Just Right™ round her neck.

At home i have a chain to go with said Staffordshire-Bull-Terrier collar (for behind locked doors and spank usage) and i have never felt so sure of myself, or so free. I found this strange untill it was explained to me that a preformer only feels free and right when he is on the stage. it's what i want deep down. it's where i feel i belong.

I'm sexually comfortable and at one with myself.
And it feels great.
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In other news ...

This one will be a bit cryptic really

I found myself somewhere, this weekend, i never thought i'd be again. and all sorts of things happened.

i saw something i never thought exsisted, and was touched deeply by it. I felt a whole lot of regret, some resentment. I can't turn back time and i cant go back in future. they say some things never change, and i'm too afraid of something proving that too right.

after this visit i had to spend the rest of the day reassuring someone close to me that he had nothing to worry about. he was convinced it was written all over our faces that we'd have eachother back in an instant. For me this is not true, but there's one reason only that i can't go back.

i'm a bit torn, still, at the momment, which seems to be a permanant state of being for me, not between the two people, but torn by the sight of an emotion i didn't know existed.