February 19th, 2008

crisis

(no subject)

OK it's time for me to admit something.

I stopped taking my Citalopram. It's been a week. Today i took my regular dose.

I just couldn't carry on. I was a failure in everything.

i feel so depressed. Everything seems so hopeless.

But of course, as is the nature of depression, my problems are stoopid. they don't matter.

'soon everyone's gonna find out i'm faking it and i don't really need to be on Citalopram at all'

i have these daemons in my head that tell me that every fucking day.

So i challenged them.

I stopped. Just like that.

And now, unsurprisingly, i'm unravelling.   The string that holds me together is disintrigating.
but what did i fucking expect?

The stress of the business is getting to me. or rather, the stress of everyone elses stress abut the business is getting to me.

very often i realise how much i'm doing for Cool Glowy Things and it makes me freeze like a deer in headlights

i can't do the accounts
i can't manage what we sell everyday
i have no instilled sense of responsibility for anything, how can o Co-run a business?


How can i be a salesperson?

how can i sell people a vision if i don't believe in myself?
i love the stock, but surely people will see i'm a fraud.. am i a fraud?

I'm so fucking scared.

also, attacking this from another angle there is hatred

hatred of myself, i feel i've gone soft, i'm old and over emotional.

everyone around me is getting old which means i am too.

i hate it

how can i step out there and talk to strangers when all i want to do is curl up in a corner and cry?

__________________________________________________________________________________


Is all the above really me?

is all that because i'm lacking in the cushion of the antidepressents?

am i going to be on them forever? i think i am, which means that is what is going to define me now.

it seems like the coward way out.

but i've been through so fucking much, i just want to be able to curl up and die.

I always land on my feet, is this a good thing?



I'm still addicted to cocaine - i've been clean of it for well over three years, but i'll never stop being an addict.

every fucking day i think about it.  I itch.

i don't want to be on antidepressants all my life but i know i was depressed for so long without getting help it's inevetable now.

I really, really hate myself.

I really hate being here. Please help me be strong enough to take the medication.

I fear....
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crisis

(no subject)

i've always hidden what i reallly am. i've thought that if i told anyone everything the truth would be out, everyone would see what a fake i am, how much i've lied and cheated at life. How much i don't deserve anything i've ended up with.

I have kids now - how can i carry on the lie? as far as i am concerened i am NOT in control of my addictions because i let them rule my life EVERY DAY.

i don't know what's right.

I just know what i don't want them to have to deal with.

But aren't you better prepared for life if you know what to expect?

I never knew what to expect, so everything that hit me hit me like a steam train.

There is NO REASON i should trust ANYONE - Does that mean i should teach my kids the same?

I don't know what to do. I don't trust. Anyone. Even myself.

I'm so afraid i'll hurt them. I'm so afraid i HAVE hurt them.

I'm so afraid