A year... alot has happened, I now have two new ex boyfriends and an ex girlfriend. I'm now with a person I love very much, and have been with him since september. we found out that Andrew and I have a rare and potentially serious chromosome disorder, which means Andrew can be formally registered as disabled, the implications this throws over my life are quite large, without mentioning the 50% chance any children of mine or Andrews have in inheriting the disorder. Finding out at twenty three years old that you are geneticly retarded is quite difficult as the best of times, when i found out was at the appointment with the geneticist which was going to tell us exactly what is missing from the chromosome that is damaged and what this could mean for Andrew.
I feel in the past year i have found more out about myself and learned who 'Sam' actually is than in the previous 23 years put together. This i feel has had a positive impact on my personality and outlook on life. I still have massive insecurities to get over, but they are getting smaller now & the paranoia that i'm going to lose everything is fading rapidly. These are two Very Good Things™ If this personal development and emotional 'growing up' continue i feel my mental age will match my actuall age quite quite soon. this is a Good Thing™
Saying that there are alot of things that i've had to put up with, my way of dealing with major traumas to my life seems to be by regressing mentally. Maybe i should force a stop to this. Or maybe i should live my 'teenage years' as i never got to when i was a teenager, my life was full of upset, confusion, being pushed about from one family to the next and general badness then, and it seems mentally something is always trying to push me in that direction. Maybe that's a result of being so unstable. Or maybe it's why i'm so unstable. Not many people have perfect childhoods / teenage years. I'm left feeling like i missed out on all of that tho. What i do know is i really don't like being this fucked up. It ruined a marriage for me and broke up a family. for that i can never forgive myself.